Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Suddenly Single?

To many people, IRL and not, it may seem like I am suddenly single.  However, to me it feels like a long journey.  It's no surprise.  Not by a long shot.  But it still surprises many people.  In fact, there are still people, such as my neighbors, and parents of my daughter's friends who have no idea.  And to be honest, I haven't  managed to tell them because it just feels like such an awkward conversation.  I'm not ashamed, but at the same time, there is some element of failure you feel in a society dedicated to monogamous nuclear families.  Now I'm a single mom.  I feel like there are still many stigma's regarding single mom's.  But I'll leave that for another time. 

I am still trying to plan out how my life will look, or should look.  Daily thoughts and fears of ' Where will I be living?' 'How will I get by financially?' pass by.  I've gone through various phases of 'I don't care about dating.  I'm fine on my own.'  To, 'It'd be nice to have a connection with someone, maybe dating would be nice.'  To, 'Fuck that.  I'm really fine on my own.'  Really, I just want to be the best mom that I can be to my daughter.  I don't want her life to drastically change.  And I am being as positive that I can be right now.  I have finished mourning the fact that I no longer have the perfect life that I once had.  A partner, a house, two dogs, two cats and a child.  I'm down to just me, and my daughter.  Oh, and the cats, but I don't even know if the cats will be with me indefinitely.  Nothing is set in stone yet.

I just thought I would start this conversation on here.  To let anyone who might be interested know, that my life has changed.  Hopefully for the better.  But I still can't believe I am almost 40, and I am single again.